Single Choices

For the first time in my life in seems, I am single. I have no one to make decisions for or to please but me and I love it!

I am discovering and learning more about who I am and what makes me happy. I am able to do what I want, meaning I have the freedom to live independently; to make choice that affect me and I don’t have to think about what effect it might have on another person. Not to sound selfish, but I love thinking about myself, which is something I have never really done while being in a relationship.

At first being single devastated me but I think it was more fear of the unknown. I have always had someone and while I know that I can do things for myself and am very independent, it was still a scary thought. Me, single? But I have grown to enjoy it very much and kind of wish I had been single sooner in life. I think I had pressure on myself to be farther in my life than I am. But I have decided that I am, for the most part, very okay with where I am in life. I have an amazing family that is always there for me and supports me in everything I do. I have spectacular friends who are also there for me in the ups and downs of life.

With all of that being said, why do I feel like I am constantly disappointing people? I am very involved with school right now (and looking for a job) since it is my last semester and work is very important since I pretty much support myself and yet, I still feel that even with all that I have accomplished, that I disappoint people in certain ways although most of them would never articulate it. I don’t see friends as often as I would like but with schedules and geographical conflicts it is harder and everyone understands that. I also feel that sometimes people look at the choices I am making and disapprove of them. But I am a grown up! I get to make choices, good or bad, and I am the one who will live with whatever comes from them. Sometimes I feel bad, like I am being judged for choices that I am making for myself and I do not think that is very fair. I know that everyone is a critic and has a right to their own opinions; however, I do not always think that those opinions need to be shared, even if done in a passive manner.

I guess all I wanted to get out is that I am free to make whatever choices I want to and I don’t think it is right for any person to judge that. Everyone is free to makes choices and, as long as they are making them of their own accord and are wiling to live with the consequences, whatever they may be, they should be allowed to with minimal interruption or commentary from other parties.

That is all I wanted to say. It is something that was bothering me but not so much that I feel a confrontation about it is necessary, especially since I hate that. I feel better for just getting it out of my mind and off of my chest.

Rejuvination

This weekend has been great. It has helped me to get away from reality and rejuvenate myself in ways that are difficult to explain; but I will try.

I think I know part of the reason that I felt unhappy and lonely some of the time. And as selfish as it is to admit, I really think it is because my best friend, hf, lives in Milwaukee now and I do not get to see her very often. I know that I have friends that live much closer and who would do anything for me, as I would them, but it is still not the same.

I know that it is no ones fault and that these are things in life that happen, but even after 11 years of not being military, I am still not used to having people leave me. I was always the one who left…We got a transfer, I said my good byes, we left and I kept in touch with friends (or tried to). I preferred it that way; I felt like I had the control, and I liked it that way. Hf and I both currently do as much as we can to stay connected, from weekly thirty or more minute phone calls to weekend (and sometimes random weekday) visits that we try to make happen regularly. It isn’t until a really good talk or visit that I realize exactly how close I have grown to be with her. I haven’t had a best friend in a long time that can just look at me and tell that something is bothering me and then also know how to go about bringing it up in a way that will help me the most. A lot of people do not realize that we are not related and that is very similar to how we both view our bond and friendship. I know that this all sounds incredibly selfish but it is just something that I needed to write down to realize for myself and be able to process what is happening to me. It is a part of me learning more about who I am and what that really means to me.

Thanks for being there are understanding and helping me to figure out so much about who I am over the past few years and thank you in advance for being there for the next lot of years to help me through things I will get myself into and for everything that will happen in the journey of life.

Note of caution - I do not mean to make anyone else feel less valuable in my life. Please know that you are all important to me as well and are just as special and have a place in my heart as well.

The Beginning

A number of people I know have a blog and enjoy writing in it whether regularly or from time to time. I have decided to try this out as well. I am not sure if I will enjoy it but I am willing to give it a try. I will see where it goes and then decide if it will continue.